Thermostat

Written By Raven Haynes

Written By Mariam Gates-Robin

This blog post comes to you from a millennial mom of two ‘full of life’ boys! I am a therapist who works closely with working moms, and I have experienced and heard my fair share of the joys and griefs of parenting.

Often, parenting advice centers on children’s behavior and how we manage and change it into something we deem more appropriate. Although a valid viewpoint, we often try too quickly to change what is happening around us to help ourselves feel more comfortable. As a therapist (when I primarily worked with children), I remember the narrative on repeat from parents being, “Fix my kid” followed with a list of complaints. May I challenge this story that we often tell ourselves? “Fixing our kids” does not start with correction, it starts with us. I understand that this can be a hard pill to swallow because for many of us we were parented under this same pretense. “We were the problem, we needed to be better, and we needed to meet our caregiver’s expectations.” What is required of us is remarkably like the airport adage of “Putting your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.” Our parenting mask is our behavior, modeling, and self-regulation before attempting to shift unruly behavior.

Our behavior consists of our actions, words, tone, and volume. How does our behavior encourage our children’s perception of safety? How does our behavior encourage children to respond amicably to requests? As parents, WE ARE the thermostat. If our voice is loud, a child’s nervous system interprets threat or lack of safety. In response they are less likely to respond in a desirable manner. The same is true of scowling or having a tone of contempt. Their nervous system can decode these behaviors as a lack of safety.  It is important to note, developmentally children are quite egocentric. Egocentrism refers to “a period primarily in early childhood where a child has difficulty taking on another’s perspective, assuming that others see, think, and feel that same way they do” (2024). In other words, they cannot consider or assume your tone or mood have to do with your stressful day at work and instead believe it is because of them.

Our modeling is our unintentional teaching. Even when we think they are not listening, they are always watching. It is what our children observe when we interact with others and how we treat ourselves. Modeling happens whether we think someone is watching or not. Often, the actions our children display—good or bad—reflect the examples we set for them.  We must be more intentional about what we model and get curious if any undesirable behavior has been modeled to them. This is much easier said than done.

Last, but not least, let’s talk about self-regulation. Self-regulation requires self-awareness. When we are not thinking clearly and calmly or feeling grounded and calm, we are dysregulated. As Bell  notes:

“Someone who has good emotional self-regulation has the ability to keep their emotions in check. They can resist impulsive behaviors that might worsen their situation, and they can cheer themselves up when they’re feeling down. They have a flexible range of emotional and behavioral responses that are well matched to the demands of their environment”

(2016).

Let’s say our children are having a tantrum and as a result, we become dysregulated while trying to manage their behavior. This response only helps to escalate our children’s behavior, not de-escalate it. Remember, we can turn the heat up or down in each interaction we have. When we practice self-awareness, we know when we are becoming dysregulated. First, we bring compassion to our internal experience. Second, we make a conscious effort to manage our own emotions as we help our kids regulate their nervous system. In the aftermath, we can be curious about what caused us to become dysregulated. Has it been a long day? Are we overwhelmed? Are we feeling like bad parents? Have we neglected our own needs? The more we practice awareness, the more often we can strengthen our self-regulation muscles.

Parenting is the hardest job I’ve ever had, but it is also the most rewarding. Parenting, in all of its challenges makes us better humans and I’m thankful to be on that journey.

Raven Haynes
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